Revived, Alive and Hopeful. December 9th

Just what I needed.
A day to awake to nothing, but tossing that aside and take no consideration for the things I have no control of. And just taking life as it is.

I have begun my day to this train of thought, in a positive light. And I feel like myself, one to take the world on. Up for it all. Give me your best shot!

Beside from my prior post on my other blog, life is life. And I can do this. All negitive emotions can go shove it and go live in a hole.

Every day may not be bright, uplifting nor eventful. But screw it. Having those times effect my views and attitude is pointless, and unhelpful to not only myself but by those all around me.

It's a tough quest to try and play out bad times lighthearted and bubbly. But shoot, you need to do what's tough to be ready for when your strong side is needed most.

You don't want to be caught off gaurd only to find; the leadership and responsibility traits are nonexsitent in you. Especially when not only you are in an episode of panic. And you need to make sure if there isn't anyone else able to stand their ground, able to take lead and take solid control of a messy situation, you need to work to have confidence in yourself to step up and be able to take that position. Take the lead.

Leadership is something one acheives and works at, through hardship and discouragment. Without the desire to help others, do whats right and want something enough to fight and work for it. You are nothing but a person lining up to die or be ruled by someone elses will and desires.

One of those days

I don't know if this is just a "that time of the month" kind of day, or if after a while everyone runs into that one day where you feel you just hit a wall. Nothing is working out, everything seems to be falling apart just to make you feel destoryed and gasping for at least one thing that isn't going wrong.

Today may just be like any other day, but I've simply exhuasted all my tolrence and patient to deal and brush off the situations that go bad. And I'm left to get punched in the face; becuase all my energy to block has left me.

Do you think life will give me a rest after one beating? Or will the torture go on endlessly til life itself gets bored of tormenting me?
I'm lost in my own darkness, and I don't feel I have the right to create my own light to expel what shadows surround my mind.

Isn't that the job of anothers of higher standing and being to save those in the abyss of a dead life?

I can't stay here forever waiting for someone I pray is real will come; and lift me out of my own destruction. Someday I may have to decided I'm on my own, and this life is mine alone to direct and save... Though I may choose that it's better to hide away in myself than face the fearsome truth of there being only a mirror, a mirror in which only you remain for this world of yours to call company.

Am I really afraid of facing and accepting the truth? Or is it the affect it may have on me and how it could change me. To find that everything I based my belief, views and opinions on isn't there... And I may take the turn of being someone I never wanted to be. An unbeliever. Living a faithless and pathless life.

Only time will tell, which path I choose to walk upon. And I'm usually one to choose the path less traveled. Where else could you find a more adventurous experience through life?

Learning to Breathe

It's been difficult writing up thoughts, emotions as well as any past event.
For the past few months, the will to want to write something meaningful, or even to think of something. Has just slipped out of place.

I feel I can relate this to what my standing with the Lord is...
It has been slow, just as my thoughts. And the process to think something that isn't pointless, and more on the level of actual meaning and importence; have left my mind, just like I have left the Lord...

I want it back, it all back. To think things through clearly and soundly.

I want the Lord, I need Him. But I don't know how to keep Him... With all my daily works of disapointments to Him. I keep pushing Him away. I don't know how to not let go, and run away from my mistakes I made against Him.

I know He'll forgive me, be there and guide me through it again to make it right. But I can't seem to stand continually doing whats wrong, just being wrong, and not getting it right the first time drives me to fear and indecisiveness.

And that what leads me to not thinking about it, ignoring the problem and the task. Til I relize I have pushed away everything God gifted to me, just because I wouldn't give up my troubles and doubts before Him.

I don't know why I always choose to keep it from Him, and hid away like He shouldn't see or know my fear. My goodness, He already knows all there is to me, why can't I just run unto Him?
What am I so afraid of? He won't kick me aside and ignore me, or reject me if I bring myself and my wavering feelings to Him.
Maybe it's just the thought that He could, that makes me unsure and fearfull...

Out of all the people that could cast me aside, I believe God could do the worst damage. My life would have no where to turn, or direction to proceed.
I'd be lost, in every possible way.

Can't you see I'm scared, scared I'll lose my way. Or at least the path I think is right for me. I don't want to find out, or wake up to see that everything I set my hopes on, everything my ground and base of my life is made of is nothing, was never there... And I relize I've been standing upon less than darkness, something that'll continually drop me, let me fall farther and farther never letting me see the light of hope for something to lean on or grab onto.

I'm in a maze, and I don't know how to let go of all the frustration, confusion and dizziness to hand my position over to Jesus...

June 14th

A bit has happened and I still am in the state that I don't think it's really happened.

SO I got a job! As a barista at a cozy; privately owned place. It's sweet so far; I've worked four days? But only three offical days as a true employee.
I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet, but I will this coming Friday.

It's exciting to get your first job. Especially in such a friendly and comfortable place. I do feel like I always have to be moving finding something to do or clean while I'm there, and that gets tiring. But that's what makes work; work.

I don't have much else to say... I believe that about cuts it. :)

May 24th

Guess where I am!
I'm at school (6th hour Ceramics), on one of the schools Macs.
Lol, I have no idea why I'm so pumped about this.

Well I don't know if I've stated that I am Home Schooled on here, but I am. Don't be confused. I only enrolled in elective classes this school year, I'm technically not a real student (I won't be in the year book, that's for sure).

Though I don't come everyday anymore ('cuz I'm down to one elective class), and well I've finished with most all my pieces. So there's no point in coming daily, unless I just want some place to sit around and have absolutely nothing to do (which I can get in the comfort of my own home).

But today I am doing exactly what I try and avoid. My teacher (I don't blame her, she's one good hard working teach) told me today (Tuesday) was the day my pieces were going to come out of the 'cooker thingy'? So this would be the day I'd come in to work on my stuff. But she got a little behind and they weren't out when we thought they'd be.

SO that leads as to why I am sitting around, playing on the computer during my whole hour! Yuppers.

Well I still feel accomplished, I woke up at 6:21am this morning. And when the sun came out, I laid out in the sun did push up, leg ups, and try to run around a bit picking up stuff around the yard ('cuz it's a whole lot faster and easier to tan when you're moving about everywhere, lol).

I plan to get on a normal and healthy sleeping schedule, as well as becoming a ton more active. I only pray I will actually live up to everything I say and set as goals for myself. I've had far to many failures.

Well looks like I got about 20 more minutes until the bell rings... I feel as if it'll take foreverrr~~

Ah well, I'll try and report more often. To push myself to accomplish the things I have planned, so I have something of worth to type x)

May 6th

My goodness. The days keep passing, and the months begin flying by.
I don't I know how many times it'll take me to rememeber that fact. The fact of, time keeps on going. And before you know it, you come to a point where you think it all went to fast.

Besides all that, I just want to get things done. Be able to say I've accomplished something. Something constructive and meaningful.

I want to learn, everything and anything. I want to work towards being a jack of all trades. Have my feild in no solid or common ground. Have it be where I please, and have it change direction when something else has caught my eye.

I want to learn Japanese, and travel there. Seeing all there is to see with my own eyes. To live, feel and breathe what exactly it is I am learning. And I bet you that will lead to me getting into all types of different cultures.

I want to be involved in a cause, a place where people believe strongly enough in something to get together and make effort, take action and work towards what needs to be done and accomplished.

I want to feel I'm making progress.

March 23rd - April 23rd

So finally. I'm here to use my blog; which it was made for.

To make this sweet and simple, I do not rememeber what I did everyday for the last month.
But I will simply (like always) just mention the highlights of what has happen which was most memorible.

On Thrusday I headed to my Grandma's to hang with family, and do a bit of celebrating 'cuz we weren't going to see them on the actual day of Easter.
It was just my Mother and me that went. We ended up staying the night till late the next day. BUT what was fun about it, was my cousin and myself stayed alone at our grandparents house, and like most elderly; they go to bed early, and wanted the same from us. Ha and this just goes on to humorus stores with our Grandma being a bit hard to deal with, because we wanted to talk. But what made it funny is our Grandma is deaf, so we had no idea why she was saying she could hear us "being so loud". xP

On Friday the next day when we got home, within the first couple hours I was finally home I went to a friends to play video games, which somehow lead to us starting a game of paintball with another friend we invited to join in, and that went on till dark (which was AMAZING; for my first time playing). And when we got back to my friends house I didn't end up leaving till a half hour to midnight. And that was crazy in itself. So in short, it was a long day. Of a day with family do many things, to a epic episode with friends till the very end of the day.

Which also lead to another day of paintball the next morning at 10am. And ended at 6pm. And afterward at home, the day continued with a early Easter dinner with immediate family. And that! Has yet to end.

I gotta say, this is a love hate kind of relationship, hahaha. I love having something to do, and having the feeling that I used every minute of my whole day to its fullest. But being so exhausted; and just wanting to sit down and lazy about is something you start missing real fast. Lol.

March 22nd

Haven't gotten on track and I know it. I let my emotions run how I think, what I do and the choices I make!

How can I expect to get anywhere, if I'm only willing to do something if I feel like it. I know I'll never get anywhere with that kind of attitude. And everything will depend on what goes my way.

It's a complete selfish and foolish way of living. I want to be a wise, upright and selfless individual. Someone I don't have to get so frustrated with! It is very easy to get upset at yourself. And focusing on that is just a waste of time, you just have to take the steps to change! And stop flappin' your lip and start taking action!

I know when another day starts I'm not going to feel the same motivation as the day before, but. I'm going to keep trying. Fighting to make the differece I need, to be and show others we have strength to do what's right. To make a stand, that is harder than the path we see others all around us following.

I know I can make a change, open my eyes as well as those I care for.
If I just keep to the truth. Stay close to the one and only true life and love.
I know I sound hippie-ish, but just because one talks about something that is full of feeling and spirit. Doesn't mean it's full of hocus-pocus.

I simply want to be so much more than I could ever be on my own.

March 21st

This blog certainly hasn't turned out as I had hoped.
But thinking back, did I really believe I could write every other day on here religiously?
I can't even stick to my "religion" religiously.

I'm so sick of this, I don't know what to do, what to even begin to say or ask. I know I shouldn't lose faith, Jesus is my Lord. But times come when you can't stand on your own feet, and you need to cry be held & carried.

Today my heart & mind is heavy and I have no strength to fight it. I want to reach out for someone, but no one comes to mind. I know the one to be my go to guy is the Lord, but I can't bring myself to call his name.

Something is wrong, has been for awhile. And I can't brake free from it, and I don't know how to ask for help.
Feels like my life is being smothered. Why am I getting attack like this? Why can't I be someone God can be proud of? Why am I always so weak and timid? I have a choice in who I am, what I do and how I act. I don't have to be like this! Yet why haven't I stood up taken action already? Am I really that pathetic?

I'm asking pointless questions, that don't need to be answered. But how can I get the answer I truely need, if I don't know the right question?

I need peace brought unto my mind & soul. I need understanding, love, wisdom, forgivness, faith, strength, patience and mercy.

Lord God almighty, I pray you lead my into where you want me to be. Show me your plans for my life in due time. Please just hold me through my times of troubles. And help me left them up unto you, to take care of. And teach me not to worry or fret.
And let your will be done. Amen.

Febuary 21st-March 7th

I can't recall the entire couple weeks. But I got my license, I drove alone twice already. I felt so pumped and estatic. Best I've felt in a long time. You defiantly need something from time to time to brighten your spirit and to feel free and childlike.

Also~ More good news my fellow peers. (Ha) I was talking to one of my teachers for a previous class about how I was interested in getting a job since I'm able to drive myself, and I mentioned I really wanted to work at a certain place. And he happened to know the owner! So he suggested to call him up and mention me and put a good word in. And bang! I ended up talking to the owner and he said he doesn't need anyone at the moment, but will in April or May when they get a lot more business. And he said it's real good that I can work in the morning and have more open hours (since I'm homeschooled). So I believe I've got a really good chance with getting a job there! I won't give my hopes up. Everything would just be perfect if it ends up working out. I'll have expeirence with driving, and my car (hopfully by than) will have it's title and be working fine and dandy from having brought it into my autos class to work on.

I like how things are looking and I hope things only keeps getting brighter. :)

19th-20th

It's my brothers 15th Birthday, so I definitely need to state that.
Though at this moment I'm not at home to celibrate it as I should. I'm at my relatives, have been since friday.

But within the last couple days I've been feeling so very blessed. Is it because the relationships of family make me feel so loved, or perhaps another reason?
Whatever it may be; I am blessed. And I hope to spread that around as well as feeling loved, guided, comforted and protected.

I do not know who everyone is to their core and what anyone thinks or belives. I simply know what I believe, what I stand by. And someday I hope to talk to someone, to open up. Tell them my troubles, beliefs, thoughts, opinions, and where I stand. At some point in time; I'm going to want someone to know me, I'm going to want to speak and open my mouth and try so that person understands who I am and where I'm coming from. But I think that time will only come when that one person (or more) will listen, ask and want to know who I am in return. And cared enough for me to try their best to understand who I myself am.

2nd-18th

Life. Just life has been going on the last couple weeks. That could mean things went the same, things were boring, fun, eventful, uneventful, interesting or uninteresting... And so, it could have gone one way or the other; or a mix of both. But I think this time I'll leave it at this. All that I've been living through, and simply experiencing. Is for me to look back on and remember, not to write as it happens and have it to look back on and recall. But to remember these times or certain experience when the time comes for me to recall it. If perhaps I have a lesson to learn, or a good memorie to show myself better days. This isn't something I need to do. Writing or trying to write everyday of every important or unimportant episode. I have enough pointless things on my mind, and trying to remember these supposed to be care free days bit by bit is something completely unnessicary. It's something that only draws myself back all the more. I want to find the times where everything I did every day that passed were never something I had to plan or work or change to my liking. I just want it to take care of itself, as said in a certain verse I cannot seem to recall at the moment. But I certainly hope no I pray that I will find that place again, where I am just a child, the child I am.

15th-1st

Ha. Funny to think I've completely forgotten to keep up with this. Shame on me.

Well I'll try and recover what I have walked through these last couple weeks.
We in Michigan are in a new semester. I got my haircut (to about my jaw-line)... I started working out again. Getting over a cold (sore throat, runny nose type deal). Passed the first semester with good grades (though I went over the certain amount of absentences you're allowed to have. So in a way I failed lol). Haven't meet anyone new since the first month of school... I think I got taller, but not all within the last month haha just in general of the last few months I guess... Still nobody has caught my eye (kinda hopin' to get this love & marriage thing over with; so there's one less pointless thing I think about... LOL). STILL haven't started on the YouTube idea. I am legally able to get my license tomorrow (in a hour), but I still haven't taken my last drivers test, because mother doesn't want me to drive, so she's delaying it with everything she's got. Still have a crappy relationship with God, and yes it's entirely my fault. I'm still a big baby. I feel I'm not going to stay in school much longer, I don't see much gain from it anymore, it lost it's apeal.
It's snowing a lot, or at least it's supposed too, so there isn't any school tomorrow. Hopefully the day after that as well.
I really can't wait to drive anymore... But the Honda Accord still got a few problems (battery based). Still unmotivated and self-conscious. Feel like everyone will hate and judge me if I even look at them or think about talking to them. People are scary, no more like teenagers are... *Gulp*

But yeaahhh that's all I got for now. Not much more I can think of to report. So peace out, and watch out for all under the age of 21... They're seriously out to get you... Like Metally. Break you from the inside, with their mind games O_O

11th-14th

...Once again I haven't been up beat with posting day to day. But that's quite crazy, so I think I'll stick with doing it every other day, it works best.

But on with my mid week days. Tuesday was ehhh, typical school day; felt like it should've just been friday already. But I stayed after at school for a hour to work on my stations for my autos class, I need to catch up; I haven't been getting it, ha.

But I got my hair cut... I forget what day exactly, but I know for sure it was a Saturday; most likely the most recent one, which was the... 8th? Whateve. I didn't get a real different cut, just a trim. Still planning to grow out my hair real long to cut it all off for the cancer cause.

Wednesday, again I stayed after at school. But this time was too get my face painted like a cat by my friend, because she's in the make-up crew for the drama club, they put on plays and so on. Which you can guess; they'll be putting on Cats the famous play. It was a lot of fun, I wish I could do that kind of high school things more often. But After we (my bro and I) left school; we went to youth group (I still had my face painted lol), that was same old same old, just the usual.

Thursday, was so slow, nothing exciting at all. But at home I start digging into 'my' car to see what was up; as to why it hasn't been able to start without having to manualy jump it. And come to find out, the battery cords were loose; so the battery wasn't getting charged while the car runs as it's supposed to. So we (my Dad and I) fixed that up. I was real happy that was a quick fix, glory!

And todayyy... Wow to think it's more of a blurr than the last couple days...
Um well I stayed after school today as well to work on some more lab stations in autos. I machined a *disc (rotor), which is cutting it a new nicer serface. And I took off a brake disc (rotor), which involves taking it apart and putting it back together. Pretty sweet, I can't wait 'til I get to do these things on my own car.

Well, that excludes all that has happened. I'll make sure and try to make my life a little more eventful and exciting, just another one of those things I gotta work on. Ha.

7th-10th

I haven't written for so long that each day that passed is all mashed together.
I can't really say exactly what happened each individual day.
Though I can say, nothing life changing. So in my opinion none of it is worth mentioning.

Days are boring. I'm so bored of this nothingness. I want something to happen, but I'm still such a frail weakling that I'm not actully willing to want ANYTHING to happen. I'm scared of being hurt, or being involved in situations I can't control or don't have a solution to.
I want something to change, but I'm to pathetic to actually do something about it. I'm not willing or wanting it enough to accept anything as possible entertainment.

Sometime I really hate myself, I really am a horribly foolish person. That only deserves to be shown the real world and real work, and to stop feeling so sorry for myself.

And calling myself stupid, foolish and patheitc only shows I'm all the more self certered. To be able to have time and write "poor me" things such as this, I really am a piece of work.
I always speak of "Oh I want to do this, I want to that" but never end up doing it and end up cryin' about it and having more freaking "pity me" time.

I suck, I honestly and seriously SUCK. But you know what saying I suck or what ever else I can call myself isn't helping so what the hell should I do. Ok so I admit that I am in the wrong, now what? It isn't that easy just to admit the wrong and just change just like that. I need to work at it, but I can't get myself to work...
Simply and utterly pathetic.
I really need some super strict person by my side 24/7; kicking me into shape.
Ha one can dream. But you know what, who says I can't try. Hahaha.

5th-6th

And for another double day-er thing.

Yesterday went as usual, boring and uneventful.

Today I'm not going to school. My brother had an ortho appointment and I would of had to get drop off at school earlier than usual and I didn't want to deal with staying that much longer at that horrid place. Ha.

But since I'm not going to go to school, what should I do? That is what I am faced with today. The decision of what to do with myself for yet another day... I don't want it just to be like usual, I want more.

I want to read a book and love it. I want to make something and become more skilled. I want to search something and end up researching. I want to work out and feel better about myself inside and out.
I just want to want to do something, stuff like that...

Grrr. Why must I be so lazy and unmotivated. Like it says in the bible, "how long wilt thou sleep thou sluggard" I am the sluggard.

3rd-4th

So looks like I feel asleep to early yesterday to make my everyday post. But it's
A-okay, I can just do a double day report for today.

Well yesterday not much happened, I went to see a movie with my sister and her Boyfriend. It was called the Black Swan... It wasn't my kind of movie. I was basically closing my eyes curled up in a ball for half the movie, there were things I didn't want to see... Ever.
But I can't say it was completely bad, it had a thing about that was just artistic and different for sure.

Other than the movie and school, the day itself was just; "eh".

Now moving on to today, I don't think I will start writing about it right now, I'm gonna head to school and than I will continue this. 'Til than, peace.




*Ten Hours Later...*



So my 4th day went by, and I have nothing I feel the need to report.
I'm tired, so very tired, and I don't see the importence of writing out a long boring report on just how boring and meaningless my day actually was. So I'll say this, I left for school, I got to school, I wanted to leave school, I got out of school, and I got home. That is it, you can add whatever smaller details you see fit.
'Til tomorrow, goodnight.

2nd

So it's only and already the second day... Borringgg.
I am so not looking forward to tomorrow. School starts up again... That is never going to be considered a good and joyious thing to me, never in a hundred years.

Well it's only 12pm so not much has happened since 8am when I got up, I've just been killing my brain on the computer.

Anyhow I think I'll just ramble 'til I'm decently content.

Whats been on my mind recently isn't really anything real different, but my thoughts have been getting louder. Gah, it's like their yelling at me.
Emotions have been the same also, I have't been paying much attention to 'em too.
I usually try to take close care to my mental well being, making sure I really understand myself, why I do certain things; why I feel centain ways. Just to get to the truth of the matter, what the true cause of everything is.

But, I haven't been doing it as of late. It sucks. Makes you feel like crap. Like after working out for a long time, you stop and start being lazy, it makes you feel nasty, sick, and just overall not great.

Well that's my mantal drama as of nowadays. I've just been a hollow, lazy, and total idiot. I can't wait to see what'll happen or what change will come to be within a week, month, and the entire year! Ooo Exciting.

The New Year's First

So I decided to try and stand by what I said I was going to do, which is writing something everyday for the next year for my New Year Resolution.

Well to begin this.... thing.
I guess I should write something about today, the first day of the new year.

Lets see... I woke up at 8am, drank coffee and sat around til I got motivated enough to get my butt out side to let the chickens out in their run for the day.
Then after I was bugged enough by my parents, I washed the eggs that were waiting for me in the sink, which went on to me going with my parents and youngest brother to meijer... Which seemed to take a life time 'cuz I was so dang hungry!
Well soon after that we got home, made pizza, so it was all good.

Thheeeennnn my sister and her husband come over; after just recently getting home from their vacation in Florida. Whish was awesome 'cuz they brought me back something, it was ssweeet~~

Anyhow... After we all hung out for a bit just chillin' (though I went in my room to play the computer after an hour or so). And by around the time before I went up to my room I put the chickens in, and yeah nothing much happened after that.

So I'd say the world average pretty much sums up the description of my first day of this new year. I just hope something will be, different at some point.