Learning to Breathe

It's been difficult writing up thoughts, emotions as well as any past event.
For the past few months, the will to want to write something meaningful, or even to think of something. Has just slipped out of place.

I feel I can relate this to what my standing with the Lord is...
It has been slow, just as my thoughts. And the process to think something that isn't pointless, and more on the level of actual meaning and importence; have left my mind, just like I have left the Lord...

I want it back, it all back. To think things through clearly and soundly.

I want the Lord, I need Him. But I don't know how to keep Him... With all my daily works of disapointments to Him. I keep pushing Him away. I don't know how to not let go, and run away from my mistakes I made against Him.

I know He'll forgive me, be there and guide me through it again to make it right. But I can't seem to stand continually doing whats wrong, just being wrong, and not getting it right the first time drives me to fear and indecisiveness.

And that what leads me to not thinking about it, ignoring the problem and the task. Til I relize I have pushed away everything God gifted to me, just because I wouldn't give up my troubles and doubts before Him.

I don't know why I always choose to keep it from Him, and hid away like He shouldn't see or know my fear. My goodness, He already knows all there is to me, why can't I just run unto Him?
What am I so afraid of? He won't kick me aside and ignore me, or reject me if I bring myself and my wavering feelings to Him.
Maybe it's just the thought that He could, that makes me unsure and fearfull...

Out of all the people that could cast me aside, I believe God could do the worst damage. My life would have no where to turn, or direction to proceed.
I'd be lost, in every possible way.

Can't you see I'm scared, scared I'll lose my way. Or at least the path I think is right for me. I don't want to find out, or wake up to see that everything I set my hopes on, everything my ground and base of my life is made of is nothing, was never there... And I relize I've been standing upon less than darkness, something that'll continually drop me, let me fall farther and farther never letting me see the light of hope for something to lean on or grab onto.

I'm in a maze, and I don't know how to let go of all the frustration, confusion and dizziness to hand my position over to Jesus...