To Thou

My desire no longer seeks and marvels at your offering, travels and needs.

There has begun a wedge between what longing, want and beckoning I had before you.

My eyes have seen;
Your will has left me wanting,
Your pull created doubts,
and your solutions were without.

Is this resolution,
a light of transforming direction?

Or indeed, is it to be a change of weary,
dissipating an uncovered bliss, adventure and vision yet to be.

Whichever the destination lay;
As if engraved, your existence has great hold upon me.

This brings me at war, which I fight to end.

Alas,
whether our relate goes fourth or erroads;
this state of conflict within me, must end.

What's Inside

These younger years that I have been hiking my way through, have been both complicated and frustrating. How I've come to understand it, is I am standing on a thin line. 

On either side of this line are life styles I am unwelcome or uninterested in. 

The life style behind me was my prior years as a teenager; reckless actions, careless goings and unnecessary doings. 

The life style ahead of me is adulthood; independence, decision making, and careful planning.

The adult mindset I've come to understand and adapt to in the areas that it's needed. At work and discussing certain subjects.

Still, both life styles don't set well with me.

I am well past grown out of thinking or acting like a teenager, yet adulthood sucks what amount of joy and excitement I have left in life.

Is there nothing left to look forward to in life? Am I and all those after me destined to lose interest in life and simply go on to our jobs, life planning and budget making?

Please someone tell me it gets better and joy will come back into my life.

Motivation

Satan tells us things constently to make us feel worthless, broken and depressed.

I have a tough time not listening to his whisperous thoughts in my mind, espsecially during the days I'm tired and simply had a long day at work.

But, right now I decided would be a good time to speak against all his lies and tell myself the truth. Gods truth, of his plans for me and what he can make me.

I will stand tall, be strong and courageous.
I will have energy, be healthy, live awake and aware.
I am blessed and happy.
My mind will be forever sharp and have vivid memory.
I will feel forever young and full of life.
I will proper and be a blessing to all around me.
I can do what's right and make a difference.
I am different.
I will not live according to this world, but according to the Kingdom of God.
I will rejoice.
I will pray.
I am forgiven
And I am loved.

You will not over power me, for I am the Lords. Amen.

Changing of Seasons

Some time has past since this year had begun, it is already become familiar. No longer feels new and unknown.

I must come clean about a few things, I had not succeeded in sticking to my "new years resolution" but how many times have we heard that from those of us that speak to soon, with one goal in mind "this time I'll really do it!". Having a goal just to have one won't make you stick to it, because the destanation you were trying to reach didn't have a strong enough meaning in itself.

It's tough for me to admit, I truly wanted to prove not just to myself but to others that I can stick to my words. I suppose that'll be proven another day and another time.

Secondly, I have pretty seriously decided I will and have dedicated a part of myself and life to a boy. He indeed may be considered a boy at this time, but I see such greatness in him.
To become a great and righteous man of God.
He can become and do so much through and with the Lord.

I feel confident that my faith will not be let down, if anything it'll make it stronger while trusting and believing God will make great and prosperous changes in his and my life.

Right now I'm beginning to see such changes in my life, mind and spirit. Continualy reading and diligently seeking after the Lords truth, mercy, love, peace, confidence, forgiveness and instruction makes quite a difference.

Been keeping strong, fighting on and living long. That'll be my motto for today or however long it proceeds to uplift my sprirts.
I pray others come to understand what it is I'm trying to acomplish in and through my life. There's no short and sweet description, I cannot even begin to imagine what words to use; to explain well enough to have others grasp exactly what it is I'm working and fighting for.

If you truly do want to understand and know, all you can do is watch and listen to my every word, expression and action. With patients, acceptance, love and without judgement and resentment. Than hopefully by the end of our lives here you'll understand and I'll understand as well. Because we would have seen the impact and change it will have created throughout our lifetime, and let it be a blessing to all that it effects. Amen.

New Years Prayer

I've become broken, pieces of what I once used to be. Though I never felt as if I was complete at one point, there has always been something missing. Looking at myself today, remembering where I stood the year before, my eyes are not blind to the obvious; I have gone down hill.

I haven't gotten it right, this life of mine. And I feel as though with every step I take forward, it ends with me taking two steps back. But not today nor tomorrow! With this new year I will and need to pick up these scattered pieces in my life.

Lord, help me keep strength to continue with my search to become that person you want to be. Please, make me complete and help me find happiness. And with finding you, myself and joy in my life. Let me also pass it on, with every encounter.

Circle Of Life

My mind has become blank.
I cannot come to understand what I have done, and who it has made me.

I'm still me, same views, opinions and beliefs. But the experience I have gained has made something in me say, this was all planned. Everything you come to choose, you've already choosen and will make it become you. Yet you are already that person from the beginning, for deciding what it is you will experience.

Which has my mind in an unending circle, what is the importents of experiencing something you haven't done, if you are already the same person with or without it?

I feel with more I experience, the more I come to regret. Though that goes both ways, with more regret there is also more knowledge of life situations and coming to understand more of who you are, what you're capable of.

Honestly I'm scared to go out and experience all situations life will put me in, so half of me wants to stop living so I don't end up making anymore mistakes. And the other half wants to try everything all at once, run towards every chance I get to do something new. To get it over with and have the thrill of not knowing what to expect.

Everyone has fear as well as curiousity. It simply depends on the day, mood, and personality that determinds which is instinctly stronger than the other.

I do not want my life lead by fear, but neither do I want it ran like a moth drawn to a flame.
How do you go about experiencing the right things? That is yet another lesson of life I need to learn.

Lessons

Through my life I have been sheltered or more so hiding away from the necessary choices and decisions it takes to bring you to what type of travel you will take through life.

Recently I have made a choice, a choice that proved to do more harm then good. A mistake persay. But to be more percise a lesson learned the hard way.

I've forgotten or maybe I haven't experienced such a downfall before. But I had made a mistake, walked too fast on the pathway unknown and new to me.

I do not regret my choice, though I am not proud of it. It is useful knowledge to me, and that's what counts.

But what makes my decision hard to accept, is the things I wanted/want to say. To just go back, and make things come to a more settling outcome would make my restless self be at ease.

I'm so frustrated and upset, over all the things that were left unsaid. Knowing the chance to express myself will never come makes things tough to bare.

You live and you learn, but that never makes the things you regret easier to accept.

But I have faith in time. That in time any sore experience can be soothed to a point as if it never happened. I am waiting for that day.

Days to Remember

It's a new year. Each year that passes me, I come to feel less and less amused; with the changing of dates, ages of myself and the things around me.

How can I begin to express what has come and gone? I have been trying for years to never let my emotions control me. That I must always think logically, completely unaffected by whatever drives me to say yes or no; emotion wise.

But I have done it, got myself involved in a relationship that requires emotional judgement. And for you to say things that seem to me aren't supposed to make sense.
I find myself unknowingly silent, and grasping for something to say. Something I just can't find the words for.

I am very uneasy in realization that I will not always know what to say; or know how to react.
And messing up, and being misunderstood is something I definitely do not want to happen.

Love? What is such a thing? Yet another emotion to get your mind wound up in knots over.
I know I can say it, because I have no other word or expression I can use that will fit better than that word; to begin to express how I feel.
But I cannot describe how I feel, I am at a loss for words. And nothing is more frustrating for me; than to not have an answer.

What does all this mean? Why must this be so intricate? Is it only this way for me? Does that mean something is wrong? All these questions and mazes, makes it tough to stay level headed and calm.

At this point I will try and enjoy every moment while it lasts. However long that will be.

Revived, Alive and Hopeful. December 9th

Just what I needed.
A day to awake to nothing, but tossing that aside and take no consideration for the things I have no control of. And just taking life as it is.

I have begun my day to this train of thought, in a positive light. And I feel like myself, one to take the world on. Up for it all. Give me your best shot!

Beside from my prior post on my other blog, life is life. And I can do this. All negitive emotions can go shove it and go live in a hole.

Every day may not be bright, uplifting nor eventful. But screw it. Having those times effect my views and attitude is pointless, and unhelpful to not only myself but by those all around me.

It's a tough quest to try and play out bad times lighthearted and bubbly. But shoot, you need to do what's tough to be ready for when your strong side is needed most.

You don't want to be caught off gaurd only to find; the leadership and responsibility traits are nonexsitent in you. Especially when not only you are in an episode of panic. And you need to make sure if there isn't anyone else able to stand their ground, able to take lead and take solid control of a messy situation, you need to work to have confidence in yourself to step up and be able to take that position. Take the lead.

Leadership is something one acheives and works at, through hardship and discouragment. Without the desire to help others, do whats right and want something enough to fight and work for it. You are nothing but a person lining up to die or be ruled by someone elses will and desires.

One of those days

I don't know if this is just a "that time of the month" kind of day, or if after a while everyone runs into that one day where you feel you just hit a wall. Nothing is working out, everything seems to be falling apart just to make you feel destoryed and gasping for at least one thing that isn't going wrong.

Today may just be like any other day, but I've simply exhuasted all my tolrence and patient to deal and brush off the situations that go bad. And I'm left to get punched in the face; becuase all my energy to block has left me.

Do you think life will give me a rest after one beating? Or will the torture go on endlessly til life itself gets bored of tormenting me?
I'm lost in my own darkness, and I don't feel I have the right to create my own light to expel what shadows surround my mind.

Isn't that the job of anothers of higher standing and being to save those in the abyss of a dead life?

I can't stay here forever waiting for someone I pray is real will come; and lift me out of my own destruction. Someday I may have to decided I'm on my own, and this life is mine alone to direct and save... Though I may choose that it's better to hide away in myself than face the fearsome truth of there being only a mirror, a mirror in which only you remain for this world of yours to call company.

Am I really afraid of facing and accepting the truth? Or is it the affect it may have on me and how it could change me. To find that everything I based my belief, views and opinions on isn't there... And I may take the turn of being someone I never wanted to be. An unbeliever. Living a faithless and pathless life.

Only time will tell, which path I choose to walk upon. And I'm usually one to choose the path less traveled. Where else could you find a more adventurous experience through life?

Learning to Breathe

It's been difficult writing up thoughts, emotions as well as any past event.
For the past few months, the will to want to write something meaningful, or even to think of something. Has just slipped out of place.

I feel I can relate this to what my standing with the Lord is...
It has been slow, just as my thoughts. And the process to think something that isn't pointless, and more on the level of actual meaning and importence; have left my mind, just like I have left the Lord...

I want it back, it all back. To think things through clearly and soundly.

I want the Lord, I need Him. But I don't know how to keep Him... With all my daily works of disapointments to Him. I keep pushing Him away. I don't know how to not let go, and run away from my mistakes I made against Him.

I know He'll forgive me, be there and guide me through it again to make it right. But I can't seem to stand continually doing whats wrong, just being wrong, and not getting it right the first time drives me to fear and indecisiveness.

And that what leads me to not thinking about it, ignoring the problem and the task. Til I relize I have pushed away everything God gifted to me, just because I wouldn't give up my troubles and doubts before Him.

I don't know why I always choose to keep it from Him, and hid away like He shouldn't see or know my fear. My goodness, He already knows all there is to me, why can't I just run unto Him?
What am I so afraid of? He won't kick me aside and ignore me, or reject me if I bring myself and my wavering feelings to Him.
Maybe it's just the thought that He could, that makes me unsure and fearfull...

Out of all the people that could cast me aside, I believe God could do the worst damage. My life would have no where to turn, or direction to proceed.
I'd be lost, in every possible way.

Can't you see I'm scared, scared I'll lose my way. Or at least the path I think is right for me. I don't want to find out, or wake up to see that everything I set my hopes on, everything my ground and base of my life is made of is nothing, was never there... And I relize I've been standing upon less than darkness, something that'll continually drop me, let me fall farther and farther never letting me see the light of hope for something to lean on or grab onto.

I'm in a maze, and I don't know how to let go of all the frustration, confusion and dizziness to hand my position over to Jesus...

June 14th

A bit has happened and I still am in the state that I don't think it's really happened.

SO I got a job! As a barista at a cozy; privately owned place. It's sweet so far; I've worked four days? But only three offical days as a true employee.
I haven't gotten my first paycheck yet, but I will this coming Friday.

It's exciting to get your first job. Especially in such a friendly and comfortable place. I do feel like I always have to be moving finding something to do or clean while I'm there, and that gets tiring. But that's what makes work; work.

I don't have much else to say... I believe that about cuts it. :)

May 24th

Guess where I am!
I'm at school (6th hour Ceramics), on one of the schools Macs.
Lol, I have no idea why I'm so pumped about this.

Well I don't know if I've stated that I am Home Schooled on here, but I am. Don't be confused. I only enrolled in elective classes this school year, I'm technically not a real student (I won't be in the year book, that's for sure).

Though I don't come everyday anymore ('cuz I'm down to one elective class), and well I've finished with most all my pieces. So there's no point in coming daily, unless I just want some place to sit around and have absolutely nothing to do (which I can get in the comfort of my own home).

But today I am doing exactly what I try and avoid. My teacher (I don't blame her, she's one good hard working teach) told me today (Tuesday) was the day my pieces were going to come out of the 'cooker thingy'? So this would be the day I'd come in to work on my stuff. But she got a little behind and they weren't out when we thought they'd be.

SO that leads as to why I am sitting around, playing on the computer during my whole hour! Yuppers.

Well I still feel accomplished, I woke up at 6:21am this morning. And when the sun came out, I laid out in the sun did push up, leg ups, and try to run around a bit picking up stuff around the yard ('cuz it's a whole lot faster and easier to tan when you're moving about everywhere, lol).

I plan to get on a normal and healthy sleeping schedule, as well as becoming a ton more active. I only pray I will actually live up to everything I say and set as goals for myself. I've had far to many failures.

Well looks like I got about 20 more minutes until the bell rings... I feel as if it'll take foreverrr~~

Ah well, I'll try and report more often. To push myself to accomplish the things I have planned, so I have something of worth to type x)

May 6th

My goodness. The days keep passing, and the months begin flying by.
I don't I know how many times it'll take me to rememeber that fact. The fact of, time keeps on going. And before you know it, you come to a point where you think it all went to fast.

Besides all that, I just want to get things done. Be able to say I've accomplished something. Something constructive and meaningful.

I want to learn, everything and anything. I want to work towards being a jack of all trades. Have my feild in no solid or common ground. Have it be where I please, and have it change direction when something else has caught my eye.

I want to learn Japanese, and travel there. Seeing all there is to see with my own eyes. To live, feel and breathe what exactly it is I am learning. And I bet you that will lead to me getting into all types of different cultures.

I want to be involved in a cause, a place where people believe strongly enough in something to get together and make effort, take action and work towards what needs to be done and accomplished.

I want to feel I'm making progress.

March 23rd - April 23rd

So finally. I'm here to use my blog; which it was made for.

To make this sweet and simple, I do not rememeber what I did everyday for the last month.
But I will simply (like always) just mention the highlights of what has happen which was most memorible.

On Thrusday I headed to my Grandma's to hang with family, and do a bit of celebrating 'cuz we weren't going to see them on the actual day of Easter.
It was just my Mother and me that went. We ended up staying the night till late the next day. BUT what was fun about it, was my cousin and myself stayed alone at our grandparents house, and like most elderly; they go to bed early, and wanted the same from us. Ha and this just goes on to humorus stores with our Grandma being a bit hard to deal with, because we wanted to talk. But what made it funny is our Grandma is deaf, so we had no idea why she was saying she could hear us "being so loud". xP

On Friday the next day when we got home, within the first couple hours I was finally home I went to a friends to play video games, which somehow lead to us starting a game of paintball with another friend we invited to join in, and that went on till dark (which was AMAZING; for my first time playing). And when we got back to my friends house I didn't end up leaving till a half hour to midnight. And that was crazy in itself. So in short, it was a long day. Of a day with family do many things, to a epic episode with friends till the very end of the day.

Which also lead to another day of paintball the next morning at 10am. And ended at 6pm. And afterward at home, the day continued with a early Easter dinner with immediate family. And that! Has yet to end.

I gotta say, this is a love hate kind of relationship, hahaha. I love having something to do, and having the feeling that I used every minute of my whole day to its fullest. But being so exhausted; and just wanting to sit down and lazy about is something you start missing real fast. Lol.

March 22nd

Haven't gotten on track and I know it. I let my emotions run how I think, what I do and the choices I make!

How can I expect to get anywhere, if I'm only willing to do something if I feel like it. I know I'll never get anywhere with that kind of attitude. And everything will depend on what goes my way.

It's a complete selfish and foolish way of living. I want to be a wise, upright and selfless individual. Someone I don't have to get so frustrated with! It is very easy to get upset at yourself. And focusing on that is just a waste of time, you just have to take the steps to change! And stop flappin' your lip and start taking action!

I know when another day starts I'm not going to feel the same motivation as the day before, but. I'm going to keep trying. Fighting to make the differece I need, to be and show others we have strength to do what's right. To make a stand, that is harder than the path we see others all around us following.

I know I can make a change, open my eyes as well as those I care for.
If I just keep to the truth. Stay close to the one and only true life and love.
I know I sound hippie-ish, but just because one talks about something that is full of feeling and spirit. Doesn't mean it's full of hocus-pocus.

I simply want to be so much more than I could ever be on my own.

March 21st

This blog certainly hasn't turned out as I had hoped.
But thinking back, did I really believe I could write every other day on here religiously?
I can't even stick to my "religion" religiously.

I'm so sick of this, I don't know what to do, what to even begin to say or ask. I know I shouldn't lose faith, Jesus is my Lord. But times come when you can't stand on your own feet, and you need to cry be held & carried.

Today my heart & mind is heavy and I have no strength to fight it. I want to reach out for someone, but no one comes to mind. I know the one to be my go to guy is the Lord, but I can't bring myself to call his name.

Something is wrong, has been for awhile. And I can't brake free from it, and I don't know how to ask for help.
Feels like my life is being smothered. Why am I getting attack like this? Why can't I be someone God can be proud of? Why am I always so weak and timid? I have a choice in who I am, what I do and how I act. I don't have to be like this! Yet why haven't I stood up taken action already? Am I really that pathetic?

I'm asking pointless questions, that don't need to be answered. But how can I get the answer I truely need, if I don't know the right question?

I need peace brought unto my mind & soul. I need understanding, love, wisdom, forgivness, faith, strength, patience and mercy.

Lord God almighty, I pray you lead my into where you want me to be. Show me your plans for my life in due time. Please just hold me through my times of troubles. And help me left them up unto you, to take care of. And teach me not to worry or fret.
And let your will be done. Amen.

Febuary 21st-March 7th

I can't recall the entire couple weeks. But I got my license, I drove alone twice already. I felt so pumped and estatic. Best I've felt in a long time. You defiantly need something from time to time to brighten your spirit and to feel free and childlike.

Also~ More good news my fellow peers. (Ha) I was talking to one of my teachers for a previous class about how I was interested in getting a job since I'm able to drive myself, and I mentioned I really wanted to work at a certain place. And he happened to know the owner! So he suggested to call him up and mention me and put a good word in. And bang! I ended up talking to the owner and he said he doesn't need anyone at the moment, but will in April or May when they get a lot more business. And he said it's real good that I can work in the morning and have more open hours (since I'm homeschooled). So I believe I've got a really good chance with getting a job there! I won't give my hopes up. Everything would just be perfect if it ends up working out. I'll have expeirence with driving, and my car (hopfully by than) will have it's title and be working fine and dandy from having brought it into my autos class to work on.

I like how things are looking and I hope things only keeps getting brighter. :)

19th-20th

It's my brothers 15th Birthday, so I definitely need to state that.
Though at this moment I'm not at home to celibrate it as I should. I'm at my relatives, have been since friday.

But within the last couple days I've been feeling so very blessed. Is it because the relationships of family make me feel so loved, or perhaps another reason?
Whatever it may be; I am blessed. And I hope to spread that around as well as feeling loved, guided, comforted and protected.

I do not know who everyone is to their core and what anyone thinks or belives. I simply know what I believe, what I stand by. And someday I hope to talk to someone, to open up. Tell them my troubles, beliefs, thoughts, opinions, and where I stand. At some point in time; I'm going to want someone to know me, I'm going to want to speak and open my mouth and try so that person understands who I am and where I'm coming from. But I think that time will only come when that one person (or more) will listen, ask and want to know who I am in return. And cared enough for me to try their best to understand who I myself am.

2nd-18th

Life. Just life has been going on the last couple weeks. That could mean things went the same, things were boring, fun, eventful, uneventful, interesting or uninteresting... And so, it could have gone one way or the other; or a mix of both. But I think this time I'll leave it at this. All that I've been living through, and simply experiencing. Is for me to look back on and remember, not to write as it happens and have it to look back on and recall. But to remember these times or certain experience when the time comes for me to recall it. If perhaps I have a lesson to learn, or a good memorie to show myself better days. This isn't something I need to do. Writing or trying to write everyday of every important or unimportant episode. I have enough pointless things on my mind, and trying to remember these supposed to be care free days bit by bit is something completely unnessicary. It's something that only draws myself back all the more. I want to find the times where everything I did every day that passed were never something I had to plan or work or change to my liking. I just want it to take care of itself, as said in a certain verse I cannot seem to recall at the moment. But I certainly hope no I pray that I will find that place again, where I am just a child, the child I am.