New Years Prayer

I've become broken, pieces of what I once used to be. Though I never felt as if I was complete at one point, there has always been something missing. Looking at myself today, remembering where I stood the year before, my eyes are not blind to the obvious; I have gone down hill.

I haven't gotten it right, this life of mine. And I feel as though with every step I take forward, it ends with me taking two steps back. But not today nor tomorrow! With this new year I will and need to pick up these scattered pieces in my life.

Lord, help me keep strength to continue with my search to become that person you want to be. Please, make me complete and help me find happiness. And with finding you, myself and joy in my life. Let me also pass it on, with every encounter.

Circle Of Life

My mind has become blank.
I cannot come to understand what I have done, and who it has made me.

I'm still me, same views, opinions and beliefs. But the experience I have gained has made something in me say, this was all planned. Everything you come to choose, you've already choosen and will make it become you. Yet you are already that person from the beginning, for deciding what it is you will experience.

Which has my mind in an unending circle, what is the importents of experiencing something you haven't done, if you are already the same person with or without it?

I feel with more I experience, the more I come to regret. Though that goes both ways, with more regret there is also more knowledge of life situations and coming to understand more of who you are, what you're capable of.

Honestly I'm scared to go out and experience all situations life will put me in, so half of me wants to stop living so I don't end up making anymore mistakes. And the other half wants to try everything all at once, run towards every chance I get to do something new. To get it over with and have the thrill of not knowing what to expect.

Everyone has fear as well as curiousity. It simply depends on the day, mood, and personality that determinds which is instinctly stronger than the other.

I do not want my life lead by fear, but neither do I want it ran like a moth drawn to a flame.
How do you go about experiencing the right things? That is yet another lesson of life I need to learn.

Lessons

Through my life I have been sheltered or more so hiding away from the necessary choices and decisions it takes to bring you to what type of travel you will take through life.

Recently I have made a choice, a choice that proved to do more harm then good. A mistake persay. But to be more percise a lesson learned the hard way.

I've forgotten or maybe I haven't experienced such a downfall before. But I had made a mistake, walked too fast on the pathway unknown and new to me.

I do not regret my choice, though I am not proud of it. It is useful knowledge to me, and that's what counts.

But what makes my decision hard to accept, is the things I wanted/want to say. To just go back, and make things come to a more settling outcome would make my restless self be at ease.

I'm so frustrated and upset, over all the things that were left unsaid. Knowing the chance to express myself will never come makes things tough to bare.

You live and you learn, but that never makes the things you regret easier to accept.

But I have faith in time. That in time any sore experience can be soothed to a point as if it never happened. I am waiting for that day.

Days to Remember

It's a new year. Each year that passes me, I come to feel less and less amused; with the changing of dates, ages of myself and the things around me.

How can I begin to express what has come and gone? I have been trying for years to never let my emotions control me. That I must always think logically, completely unaffected by whatever drives me to say yes or no; emotion wise.

But I have done it, got myself involved in a relationship that requires emotional judgement. And for you to say things that seem to me aren't supposed to make sense.
I find myself unknowingly silent, and grasping for something to say. Something I just can't find the words for.

I am very uneasy in realization that I will not always know what to say; or know how to react.
And messing up, and being misunderstood is something I definitely do not want to happen.

Love? What is such a thing? Yet another emotion to get your mind wound up in knots over.
I know I can say it, because I have no other word or expression I can use that will fit better than that word; to begin to express how I feel.
But I cannot describe how I feel, I am at a loss for words. And nothing is more frustrating for me; than to not have an answer.

What does all this mean? Why must this be so intricate? Is it only this way for me? Does that mean something is wrong? All these questions and mazes, makes it tough to stay level headed and calm.

At this point I will try and enjoy every moment while it lasts. However long that will be.

Revived, Alive and Hopeful. December 9th

Just what I needed.
A day to awake to nothing, but tossing that aside and take no consideration for the things I have no control of. And just taking life as it is.

I have begun my day to this train of thought, in a positive light. And I feel like myself, one to take the world on. Up for it all. Give me your best shot!

Beside from my prior post on my other blog, life is life. And I can do this. All negitive emotions can go shove it and go live in a hole.

Every day may not be bright, uplifting nor eventful. But screw it. Having those times effect my views and attitude is pointless, and unhelpful to not only myself but by those all around me.

It's a tough quest to try and play out bad times lighthearted and bubbly. But shoot, you need to do what's tough to be ready for when your strong side is needed most.

You don't want to be caught off gaurd only to find; the leadership and responsibility traits are nonexsitent in you. Especially when not only you are in an episode of panic. And you need to make sure if there isn't anyone else able to stand their ground, able to take lead and take solid control of a messy situation, you need to work to have confidence in yourself to step up and be able to take that position. Take the lead.

Leadership is something one acheives and works at, through hardship and discouragment. Without the desire to help others, do whats right and want something enough to fight and work for it. You are nothing but a person lining up to die or be ruled by someone elses will and desires.

One of those days

I don't know if this is just a "that time of the month" kind of day, or if after a while everyone runs into that one day where you feel you just hit a wall. Nothing is working out, everything seems to be falling apart just to make you feel destoryed and gasping for at least one thing that isn't going wrong.

Today may just be like any other day, but I've simply exhuasted all my tolrence and patient to deal and brush off the situations that go bad. And I'm left to get punched in the face; becuase all my energy to block has left me.

Do you think life will give me a rest after one beating? Or will the torture go on endlessly til life itself gets bored of tormenting me?
I'm lost in my own darkness, and I don't feel I have the right to create my own light to expel what shadows surround my mind.

Isn't that the job of anothers of higher standing and being to save those in the abyss of a dead life?

I can't stay here forever waiting for someone I pray is real will come; and lift me out of my own destruction. Someday I may have to decided I'm on my own, and this life is mine alone to direct and save... Though I may choose that it's better to hide away in myself than face the fearsome truth of there being only a mirror, a mirror in which only you remain for this world of yours to call company.

Am I really afraid of facing and accepting the truth? Or is it the affect it may have on me and how it could change me. To find that everything I based my belief, views and opinions on isn't there... And I may take the turn of being someone I never wanted to be. An unbeliever. Living a faithless and pathless life.

Only time will tell, which path I choose to walk upon. And I'm usually one to choose the path less traveled. Where else could you find a more adventurous experience through life?

Learning to Breathe

It's been difficult writing up thoughts, emotions as well as any past event.
For the past few months, the will to want to write something meaningful, or even to think of something. Has just slipped out of place.

I feel I can relate this to what my standing with the Lord is...
It has been slow, just as my thoughts. And the process to think something that isn't pointless, and more on the level of actual meaning and importence; have left my mind, just like I have left the Lord...

I want it back, it all back. To think things through clearly and soundly.

I want the Lord, I need Him. But I don't know how to keep Him... With all my daily works of disapointments to Him. I keep pushing Him away. I don't know how to not let go, and run away from my mistakes I made against Him.

I know He'll forgive me, be there and guide me through it again to make it right. But I can't seem to stand continually doing whats wrong, just being wrong, and not getting it right the first time drives me to fear and indecisiveness.

And that what leads me to not thinking about it, ignoring the problem and the task. Til I relize I have pushed away everything God gifted to me, just because I wouldn't give up my troubles and doubts before Him.

I don't know why I always choose to keep it from Him, and hid away like He shouldn't see or know my fear. My goodness, He already knows all there is to me, why can't I just run unto Him?
What am I so afraid of? He won't kick me aside and ignore me, or reject me if I bring myself and my wavering feelings to Him.
Maybe it's just the thought that He could, that makes me unsure and fearfull...

Out of all the people that could cast me aside, I believe God could do the worst damage. My life would have no where to turn, or direction to proceed.
I'd be lost, in every possible way.

Can't you see I'm scared, scared I'll lose my way. Or at least the path I think is right for me. I don't want to find out, or wake up to see that everything I set my hopes on, everything my ground and base of my life is made of is nothing, was never there... And I relize I've been standing upon less than darkness, something that'll continually drop me, let me fall farther and farther never letting me see the light of hope for something to lean on or grab onto.

I'm in a maze, and I don't know how to let go of all the frustration, confusion and dizziness to hand my position over to Jesus...