Circle Of Life

My mind has become blank.
I cannot come to understand what I have done, and who it has made me.

I'm still me, same views, opinions and beliefs. But the experience I have gained has made something in me say, this was all planned. Everything you come to choose, you've already choosen and will make it become you. Yet you are already that person from the beginning, for deciding what it is you will experience.

Which has my mind in an unending circle, what is the importents of experiencing something you haven't done, if you are already the same person with or without it?

I feel with more I experience, the more I come to regret. Though that goes both ways, with more regret there is also more knowledge of life situations and coming to understand more of who you are, what you're capable of.

Honestly I'm scared to go out and experience all situations life will put me in, so half of me wants to stop living so I don't end up making anymore mistakes. And the other half wants to try everything all at once, run towards every chance I get to do something new. To get it over with and have the thrill of not knowing what to expect.

Everyone has fear as well as curiousity. It simply depends on the day, mood, and personality that determinds which is instinctly stronger than the other.

I do not want my life lead by fear, but neither do I want it ran like a moth drawn to a flame.
How do you go about experiencing the right things? That is yet another lesson of life I need to learn.

Lessons

Through my life I have been sheltered or more so hiding away from the necessary choices and decisions it takes to bring you to what type of travel you will take through life.

Recently I have made a choice, a choice that proved to do more harm then good. A mistake persay. But to be more percise a lesson learned the hard way.

I've forgotten or maybe I haven't experienced such a downfall before. But I had made a mistake, walked too fast on the pathway unknown and new to me.

I do not regret my choice, though I am not proud of it. It is useful knowledge to me, and that's what counts.

But what makes my decision hard to accept, is the things I wanted/want to say. To just go back, and make things come to a more settling outcome would make my restless self be at ease.

I'm so frustrated and upset, over all the things that were left unsaid. Knowing the chance to express myself will never come makes things tough to bare.

You live and you learn, but that never makes the things you regret easier to accept.

But I have faith in time. That in time any sore experience can be soothed to a point as if it never happened. I am waiting for that day.

Days to Remember

It's a new year. Each year that passes me, I come to feel less and less amused; with the changing of dates, ages of myself and the things around me.

How can I begin to express what has come and gone? I have been trying for years to never let my emotions control me. That I must always think logically, completely unaffected by whatever drives me to say yes or no; emotion wise.

But I have done it, got myself involved in a relationship that requires emotional judgement. And for you to say things that seem to me aren't supposed to make sense.
I find myself unknowingly silent, and grasping for something to say. Something I just can't find the words for.

I am very uneasy in realization that I will not always know what to say; or know how to react.
And messing up, and being misunderstood is something I definitely do not want to happen.

Love? What is such a thing? Yet another emotion to get your mind wound up in knots over.
I know I can say it, because I have no other word or expression I can use that will fit better than that word; to begin to express how I feel.
But I cannot describe how I feel, I am at a loss for words. And nothing is more frustrating for me; than to not have an answer.

What does all this mean? Why must this be so intricate? Is it only this way for me? Does that mean something is wrong? All these questions and mazes, makes it tough to stay level headed and calm.

At this point I will try and enjoy every moment while it lasts. However long that will be.