To Thou

My desire no longer seeks and marvels at your offering, travels and needs.

There has begun a wedge between what longing, want and beckoning I had before you.

My eyes have seen;
Your will has left me wanting,
Your pull created doubts,
and your solutions were without.

Is this resolution,
a light of transforming direction?

Or indeed, is it to be a change of weary,
dissipating an uncovered bliss, adventure and vision yet to be.

Whichever the destination lay;
As if engraved, your existence has great hold upon me.

This brings me at war, which I fight to end.

Alas,
whether our relate goes fourth or erroads;
this state of conflict within me, must end.

What's Inside

These younger years that I have been hiking my way through, have been both complicated and frustrating. How I've come to understand it, is I am standing on a thin line. 

On either side of this line are life styles I am unwelcome or uninterested in. 

The life style behind me was my prior years as a teenager; reckless actions, careless goings and unnecessary doings. 

The life style ahead of me is adulthood; independence, decision making, and careful planning.

The adult mindset I've come to understand and adapt to in the areas that it's needed. At work and discussing certain subjects.

Still, both life styles don't set well with me.

I am well past grown out of thinking or acting like a teenager, yet adulthood sucks what amount of joy and excitement I have left in life.

Is there nothing left to look forward to in life? Am I and all those after me destined to lose interest in life and simply go on to our jobs, life planning and budget making?

Please someone tell me it gets better and joy will come back into my life.

Motivation

Satan tells us things constently to make us feel worthless, broken and depressed.

I have a tough time not listening to his whisperous thoughts in my mind, espsecially during the days I'm tired and simply had a long day at work.

But, right now I decided would be a good time to speak against all his lies and tell myself the truth. Gods truth, of his plans for me and what he can make me.

I will stand tall, be strong and courageous.
I will have energy, be healthy, live awake and aware.
I am blessed and happy.
My mind will be forever sharp and have vivid memory.
I will feel forever young and full of life.
I will proper and be a blessing to all around me.
I can do what's right and make a difference.
I am different.
I will not live according to this world, but according to the Kingdom of God.
I will rejoice.
I will pray.
I am forgiven
And I am loved.

You will not over power me, for I am the Lords. Amen.

Changing of Seasons

Some time has past since this year had begun, it is already become familiar. No longer feels new and unknown.

I must come clean about a few things, I had not succeeded in sticking to my "new years resolution" but how many times have we heard that from those of us that speak to soon, with one goal in mind "this time I'll really do it!". Having a goal just to have one won't make you stick to it, because the destanation you were trying to reach didn't have a strong enough meaning in itself.

It's tough for me to admit, I truly wanted to prove not just to myself but to others that I can stick to my words. I suppose that'll be proven another day and another time.

Secondly, I have pretty seriously decided I will and have dedicated a part of myself and life to a boy. He indeed may be considered a boy at this time, but I see such greatness in him.
To become a great and righteous man of God.
He can become and do so much through and with the Lord.

I feel confident that my faith will not be let down, if anything it'll make it stronger while trusting and believing God will make great and prosperous changes in his and my life.

Right now I'm beginning to see such changes in my life, mind and spirit. Continualy reading and diligently seeking after the Lords truth, mercy, love, peace, confidence, forgiveness and instruction makes quite a difference.

Been keeping strong, fighting on and living long. That'll be my motto for today or however long it proceeds to uplift my sprirts.
I pray others come to understand what it is I'm trying to acomplish in and through my life. There's no short and sweet description, I cannot even begin to imagine what words to use; to explain well enough to have others grasp exactly what it is I'm working and fighting for.

If you truly do want to understand and know, all you can do is watch and listen to my every word, expression and action. With patients, acceptance, love and without judgement and resentment. Than hopefully by the end of our lives here you'll understand and I'll understand as well. Because we would have seen the impact and change it will have created throughout our lifetime, and let it be a blessing to all that it effects. Amen.

New Years Prayer

I've become broken, pieces of what I once used to be. Though I never felt as if I was complete at one point, there has always been something missing. Looking at myself today, remembering where I stood the year before, my eyes are not blind to the obvious; I have gone down hill.

I haven't gotten it right, this life of mine. And I feel as though with every step I take forward, it ends with me taking two steps back. But not today nor tomorrow! With this new year I will and need to pick up these scattered pieces in my life.

Lord, help me keep strength to continue with my search to become that person you want to be. Please, make me complete and help me find happiness. And with finding you, myself and joy in my life. Let me also pass it on, with every encounter.

Circle Of Life

My mind has become blank.
I cannot come to understand what I have done, and who it has made me.

I'm still me, same views, opinions and beliefs. But the experience I have gained has made something in me say, this was all planned. Everything you come to choose, you've already choosen and will make it become you. Yet you are already that person from the beginning, for deciding what it is you will experience.

Which has my mind in an unending circle, what is the importents of experiencing something you haven't done, if you are already the same person with or without it?

I feel with more I experience, the more I come to regret. Though that goes both ways, with more regret there is also more knowledge of life situations and coming to understand more of who you are, what you're capable of.

Honestly I'm scared to go out and experience all situations life will put me in, so half of me wants to stop living so I don't end up making anymore mistakes. And the other half wants to try everything all at once, run towards every chance I get to do something new. To get it over with and have the thrill of not knowing what to expect.

Everyone has fear as well as curiousity. It simply depends on the day, mood, and personality that determinds which is instinctly stronger than the other.

I do not want my life lead by fear, but neither do I want it ran like a moth drawn to a flame.
How do you go about experiencing the right things? That is yet another lesson of life I need to learn.

Lessons

Through my life I have been sheltered or more so hiding away from the necessary choices and decisions it takes to bring you to what type of travel you will take through life.

Recently I have made a choice, a choice that proved to do more harm then good. A mistake persay. But to be more percise a lesson learned the hard way.

I've forgotten or maybe I haven't experienced such a downfall before. But I had made a mistake, walked too fast on the pathway unknown and new to me.

I do not regret my choice, though I am not proud of it. It is useful knowledge to me, and that's what counts.

But what makes my decision hard to accept, is the things I wanted/want to say. To just go back, and make things come to a more settling outcome would make my restless self be at ease.

I'm so frustrated and upset, over all the things that were left unsaid. Knowing the chance to express myself will never come makes things tough to bare.

You live and you learn, but that never makes the things you regret easier to accept.

But I have faith in time. That in time any sore experience can be soothed to a point as if it never happened. I am waiting for that day.